So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
