Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
