a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
