You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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