Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
