Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
