I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
