YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
