I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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