Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
