you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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