Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
