I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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