Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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