I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
