Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
