Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
