we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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