I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
