I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
