Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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