I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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