I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
