do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
