Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
