she looked like the before picture.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
