You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
