Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
