I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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