I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
