I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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