On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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