You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
