I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Randomize
