oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
