i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
