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Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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