keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
In other news, I just burned my penis
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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