I think my fart just growled at me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
