You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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