Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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