My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
