im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
