I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
