Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
