i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
