I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
