Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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