Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
