Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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