so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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