she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.